Jokes
Some cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go -Oscar Wilde
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A Swedish man walks into a chemist shop and asks for a deoderant. “Ball or aerosol?” asks the pharmacist. “Neither” he replies, “Its for my armpits”
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A woman asks her husband ‘Darling will you love me when I’m old and grey?’ , “Of course I do” was his reply!
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A man went for an ear operation and had a pig’s ear transplant, when he went back for a check-up the doctor asked how it was going. He replied ‘Its fine most of the time but I do get a bit of crackling!’
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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Sheila, pick up your clothes – I’ve just won the lottery!” – “Shall I pack for warm or cold weather?” she asks, he replies – ” I don’t care, as long as you’re out of the house by midday!”
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People call me ‘The exorcist’ – when I visit their home their spirits disappear!
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Does tap dancing cure water on the knee?
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An expectant father calls the hospital to get an up-date on his wife’s condition, but call Lords cricket ground by mistake. “Hows it going?” he asks “Fine, we’ve got three out already, and the last one was a duck!”
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How do you make a hormone? – Don’t pay her!
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How to make your wife drive more carefully – warn her that if she’s in an accident the newspaper will print her real age!
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You know when your’e getting old when you have a party and your neighbours don’t realise!
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A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm and asks for a pint of beer and one for the road!
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I sent ten puns to a friend to try to get him to laugh, unfortunately no pun in ten did!
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A guy goes to a computer dating agency and asks for his perfect mate: “she must be small and cute, love water sports and group activities”, The computer replies “Marry a penguin!”
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The three bears got up and Daddy bear goes to the pantry, finds no packet of oats and says “Who’s been eating my porridge?”. Baby bear goes to the table, sees his empty dish and says “Who’s been eating my porridge?”. Mummy bear shouts from the kitchen “For goodness sake, I’m making the porridge, do we have to go through this every morning!!”
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An old man driving up the motorway has a call on his mobile from his wife – “Be careful, I’ve just heard on the news there’s a car driving up the motorway the wrong way” she says. “I know, says the old man, “But it’s not just one car, its hundreds of them!”
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A man goes to the butchers, the butcher points to some meat hanging from the ceiling. “I bet you £50 you can’t touch that meat” says the butcher. “No way” says the man, “the steaks are too high”
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